Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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