i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
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