I'm laying in your front yard are you home
I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
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