I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
the day i stop sending you hentai screenshots is the day i actually act like an adult, and TRUST ME. THAT AINT HAPPENING ANYTIME SOON.
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
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