She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Randomize
