I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
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told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
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I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
View of Vancouver Bay is obscured though the greasy hand prints from fucking against the window. Tip maid well.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
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