never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
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