my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
Randomize
