You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
