the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
Randomize
