I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
