i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
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