I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
