I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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