Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
I'm jealous of your bromance
At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
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