I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
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