Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
Fuck I think I want to but I don't think I should. Caught between should and wanting.
just follow your vagina
Quote of the day.
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