my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
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