people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Randomize
