i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Randomize
