happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
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