Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
Randomize
