imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Randomize
