You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
that's all we do, eat and hve sex, eat and have sex. he thinks it's bad and that we need to talk more or whatever but I'm just not seeing the problem...
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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