He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
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