he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
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I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
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Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
I came so hard my ears popped.