Random question, how's your gag reflex these days
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
