I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
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I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
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Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
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