Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
Randomize
