is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
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