I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
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