After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Randomize
