you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
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