I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
