I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
I know you didn't add your TWO random hook ups from the weekend to your FB friends AND change your status to "Good Catholic Girl" on the same day.
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Randomize
