Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
