I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
Randomize
