Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Randomize
