i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
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