Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
Wedsnesdays are always enlightening. Tonights revealation: One should not smoke from something taller than their person.
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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