6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Randomize
