also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Randomize
