why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
you might want to delete the history when you're done using the computer at work. did you ever find out what the white balls in your throat were?
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
I think I just sharted jello shots
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