I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Randomize
