I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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