Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
drunk. just smoked a spliff with a 19yr old hungarian bike taxi driver and bonded over the difficulties of getting weed in a different country. idk y shit like this isnt in the study abroad info packets
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
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