I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Randomize
