with her its the mind over matter factor, i dont mind and she dont matter
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
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