i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
