Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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