he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Randomize
