I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
Randomize
