The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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