True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
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on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
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either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
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