You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
Randomize
