Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
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