She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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