I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize
